An Ode (More of a Lament) to the Colonoscopy

O dear Colonoscopy,
We truly are thankful for thee.

It may not be the best way to spend the day,
But it helps keep colon cancer away.

In my line of work, I schedule patients for colonoscopies almost daily. I warn them that the worst part of the whole thing is the day before - the prep day. Of course, I was coming from the "I can only imagine" viewpoint.

Imagine a day in which you are limited to a clear liquid diet. What is a clear liquid diet? It consists of anything that is clear and liquid...simple. Oh, there are lots of things you can consume - clear broths, jello, water, tea or coffee without milk, sodas, fruit juices without pulp, and sport drinks - but nothing red or purple and no alcohol.  Boring, but doable...

I got up in the morning and started getting ready for the day. I showered and dressed and took my morning pills. "Wow! It's going great so far....I'm not even hungry," thinks the girl who never eats breakfast anyway.

As I prepared coffee for my mom, I thought, "Coffee sure smells good," and then I reminded myself that one day of restrictions is way easier than giving up something for Lent. Plus, I don't drink coffee anyway.

So, I went about my business, but as the day went on, I noticed that smells were so tantalizing. E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g smelled so good. Luckily, the broth helped my hunger pangs somewhat, and I tried to drink as many sports drinks and glasses of water as possible.

Then, there's the bowel prep thing. I will spare you the details, but for your information I didn't use anything with the word "lytely" in it. If that is a marketing tool, it is definitely false advertising.

Today, I showed up for my appointment all prepared. The nurse gave me my gown, I changed, she started my IV, I was wheeled into the endoscopy suite, I met the doctor, I was listening to the conversations and the next thing I knew, I awoke and it was over.

It was easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

I learned three things from this ordeal:
1. A quick way to lose two pounds in a day and a half is to eat a clear liquid diet and consume 60 oz of colon prep.
2. Baby wipes are your friend.
3. Courtesy of The Husb: Don't trust the farts.


This PSA was brought to you to remind everyone over fifty to have a screening colonoscopy. If there is someone in your family who has had colon cancer, talk to your doctor, you may need to have one sooner.

MK out.